So today was the sexual orientation class and ever since it I’ve been thinking and honestly kind of depressed. Depressed not only because of straight society, but also because of gay society, honestly I hate gay culture at least the one in Memphis so far and I’m so sad I have to be a part of it. Growing up I had major issues with accepting who I was…I tried to pray the gay away (which I never really was that religious) but of course that didn’t work, I tried to just watch straight porn (that was a no go) and then I tried to just not think about what I was feeling (but it always crept into my mind). I was also an awkward child growing up, I think mainly because of how overprotective my parents were and how unwilling I was to show them I was changing (maybe subconsciously I knew I was different and just didn’t want them to know it) so I never joined sports or clubs or anything because I was afraid my parents would think differently of me. And all throughout middle school and high school, though more so middle school, a lot of people would call me gay and such (which at this time I hadn’t accepted and straight up denied it) so that verbal abuse and the amount of verbal abuse I got from my oldest brother at home honestly traumatized me. Let me put it this way my oldest brother constantly called me horribly mean names that ranged from fat to faggot, made my siblings take his side and go against me, and was rough with me and this gave me lots of issues made me less able to accept the fact that I might be gay and gave me horrible horrible self-image and self-conscious issues that I still slightly have to date. All of this, and the fact that I had horrible acne issues (I couldn’t sit down without being in pain from the acne on my back) put me into an extremely bad depression, stayed in my room all the time, didn’t go outside really, anti-social didn’t really have any friends, contemplated suicide multiple multiple times but I never did it and always thought after I decided not to that “I just don’t have the balls to do it” and since I didn’t end up doing that I started to cut myself…which I have never NEVER told anyone…well guess its out now, but I eventually got over my depression. And still even my brother tries to verbally abuse me, the worst gay bashing I have ever had was from my brother like “You’re fucking disgusting you gay faggot” and other phrases and yet my parents don’t understand why I don’t and never will like him. But, anyways I had pretty much tried my best to block all of this out and even block out the negative side to being gay, like having to deal with shallow guys that only really care about sex and sometimes drugs. This blocking out had worked rather well for me so far this year, until today during the first exercise brought back all of those feelings from middle school and growing up and all the thoughts about what I hate about the gay community, for the first bit of class I even started to go back into that self-consciousness I had had when I was younger I felt extremely uncomfortable in my tank and what all I was wearing, I was in a slightly depressed mood going over in my head my orientation and what all has happened to me from it and what all might happen to me because of it, I could feel tears gathering from behind my eyes a little bit but of course held them back. I know there are people that have it worse than me that are gay, because honestly other than my brother and especially now in college people that I meet seem to not really care too much and don’t treat me with hatred or anything just because I’m gay which I’m extremely thankful for! So now that I don’t really have issues with straight people its the gay community I have the issue with…it just seems like all they want to do is get drunk, have sex, and do drugs maybe its just the ones I meet but I don’t know, but because of all this I honestly don’t really have any gay friends at all, I don’t hang out with many gay people especially the extremely extremely flamboyant gays to where you’re just like “please stop talking and walk away” and when I do try to go out in the gay population like spectrum or something I never have any fun at all I just stay with my friends don’t really have anyone try to talk to me, it just seems like you have to be one of the coked out whores that go out every weekend and that has slept with every guy in the club to have fun, which honestly I go to the gym 6x a week because A. I’m self-conscious about my body and B. I want to be noticed by the other gay boys (shallow yes but you have to be in gay world). And ok I keep talking about how everyone is a whore and I will straight up admit it right now that I have slept around and have had extremely slutty moments, but I’ve gotten to where I don’t enjoy it I’d much rather have a steady boyfriend and just be with him than be with a different guy every night of the week, which I have done one week. I just feel like I’m a lot more mature and grown up than most of the gay people my age, I know everyone says that and maybe its false maybe I’m just as immature and just as ridiculous, but I just don’t seem to enjoy the sex and partying as much as the other gays, maybe its just because I don’t have any gay friends to hang out with and do all of that with maybe that would make it more fun i don’t know. But, its not only just my current situation it’s my whole future situation, I’m so bad at relationships and everything that I’m scared to death I’m going to end up alone with no hubby (not that we could get married anyways) and just leave the world alone. Speaking of future, I just cannot do the memphis gay community after college once I graduate I HAVE to leave memphis to keep my sanity, I want to move out to California (I can’t do cold at all) and hopefully realize that the gay scenes in other places are a lot better than here and maybe my whole views of gays will be changed into something positive instead of this abyss of shallow fucking and leaving and moving to the next guy. I just honestly wish I could turn straight and leave the gay life behind, but I know I couldn’t it’d be a futile effort so I won’t even try, but life would just be so much easier than it is right now. I know, I know I’m only 19 years old so what possibly can this boy know, maybe I don’t know much about some things but as of right now from what I do know about gays and gay life, it sucks! It is not fun, its not as entertaining as how they portray it on tv just that snappy little flamer with all of the quick witty bitchy comebacks (which I honestly must say I’m kind of good at those) but its filled with a lot of trouble and issues and self-hatred, but I’m coming along and becoming a lot more accepting of myself…though I still have an extremely long long way to go (at least another 20 lbs of muscles long, ha but no really I want that last 20 lbs!) I just hope that I can eventually learn to love the gay community and accept it, but theres just no way I can here because from what I’ve seen I have no real desire to be apart of it, so heres hoping that other places the gay community is a lot better than here in memphis, but until then I’ll keep up my front and continue making jokes about it all as a way of coping with all of this bull. Wow this turned out a lot longer than I thought it would, well its all there, probably shouldn’t have gotten as personal as I did but oh well whats said is said and I’ve gotten it all out though I’m sure I could go on for ages more about it all.
